“How are you?” Answering that question with anything other than a cheery platitude is considered a social faux pas. Generally, the question is a formality. People are not really interested in the answer. Especially if the answer is, “I’m not really OK.” 

Last fall, Meghan Markle shared in an interview with iTV in the U.K., that she was not really OK when asked about how she is handling the pressure and intense media scrutiny she was always under. She appeared honest and vulnerable. The very real moment with one of the world’s most-watched women captured on camera struck a chord with many. Including me. How many of us are also, sometimes pretending outwardly to be OK  behind a fragile facade?

Not being OK makes other people uncomfortable. It forces them to think about their own situation. So most of the time, we just say, “I’m fine. How are you?” What if you are not. OK. What if you don’t even really have the words to properly explain what is feeling a bit off? How does it make it even worse when you deny what you are feeling to help preserve the other person’s level of disconnect with their own emotions? 

Most of us have been taught that crying is a weakness so we mask it. Push it down, pretend it’s not there. We focus on accomplishing goals that will supposedly make us happy. Goals are a good thing. They keep us from getting too stuck in one place. But when constant striving fills you with emptiness and leaves your head spinning, it’s time to stop and recalibrate. 

Unfortunately, our society praises being busy and rewards those that achieve. Making it hard to be still and recharge. This leaves us feeling breathless and desperately lonely. For those of us who are extroverted introverts, it can lead to anxiety and depression. 

“We are hardwired for connection,” cites shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown. The cycle of shame over not being what people want us to be can be overwhelming. 

Things are changing though. There is a quiet rumble. You can hear it if you are paying attention. 

I think we are seeing something of a revolution in this regard. But, like every revolution, it takes a few brave people to publicly defy the behaviour of the masses. And those that do, will feel the bruises. And in this case, they feel everything else too. 

Reportedly, the Duchess and her eight-month-old son, Archie, are back in Saanich, BC where they spent the holidays. It’s a beautiful little spot in the world. Just a short drive and a ferry ride away from where I am. Having spent four years living on Vancouver Island while I went to the University of Victoria, I get the draw. The Pacific Ocean, the old-growth forests, and tree-lined streets make it a peaceful place where one might recharge their soul.  And, with so much attention surrounding her movements, it makes sense why she might need to do just that. 

No one is following me with a camera and I find myself seeking a place to hide sometimes. My kids are now seven and four. So I’m past the baby phase with my kids, but even still, it can all feel like too much at times. 

Having a baby changes you forever. And no one talks about it. Or if they do, it’s glossed over with how wonderful it is. Yes, it is — wonderful. But it is also so hard. You can’t complain because you have what so many people want so badly and struggle to find. It would seem ungrateful when your children are healthy and happy and you seem to have it all. So you stay quiet and force a smile.

I remember going for a walk one night with my husband a few days before the due date of my first child seven years ago. The houses in our new neighbourhood were lit brightly and decorated for Christmas — also only a couple of days away. It was snowing lightly and there were very few cars on the road.  It was perfect. I should have been so happy. 

He asked me why I was so quiet. For one thing, I got winded easily while walking at that late stage in my pregnancy. More than that though, I was overwhelmed by the impending shift that was about to happen in our lives. I said, “Everything is about to change.” He squeezed my hand and replied, “Yes, for the better.” I nodded. Of course. Having a baby was what both of us wanted. We were ready with the nursery and baby gear. And yet there was so much I wasn’t ready for and never would be. 

Things like how to get me and two kids out the door anywhere on time with everything we need for wherever we are going – school, soccer, the grocery store. There is just so much to think about all the time. Generally, we don’t require as much gear with us each time now that they aren’t babies. They can, theoretically, put on their own shoes and coats but you are still going through a mental checklist each time.

I struggle every day with the pressure of feeling like I have to be everything to everyone. I agonize over not being the one to pick my kids up from school each day because I also work full-time. At the same time, at work, I feel like I am not everything I could be because I can’t give the same number of hours as some colleagues at different life stages as me. It’s a constant push and pull. It’s exhausting. 

I know it is not sustainable. 

So maybe, change start out with small steps. Like answering honestly when asked, if you’re OK. Helping to change the expectation that you should always be OK. If I answer honestly, maybe it will encourage others to do the same.

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