Why The Strachan Hartley Legacy Foundation SHLF Run Means so Much

Me and my running buddy finishing the 5K SHLF Run in 2018 when she was 5 years old.

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving. I have so much to be grateful for that it’s overwhelming at times. I know how blessed I am. Not everyone gets to sit down and feast with loved ones, and not everyone has people believing in them so fiercely that they know mountains would be moved to help them achieve their potential.

I have always known that food, family, and opportunities existed for me. My legs, my lungs, and my will are strong. So for those reasons, I will take part in the Strachan Hartley Legacy Foundation (SHLF) run today to raise money for Streetfront. Today we will do it virtually. You can too: https://www.shlf.ca/

The Hartley Family

I didn’t know Strachan Hartley very well. I mean I knew who he was, everyone at my high school did, but he was a year older than me and something of a Greek god. Sure, our paths crossed over the high school years, but more me watching football games on the sidelines or seeing him do laps as he crossed the stage to collect his awards at the end-of-year ceremonies annually.

I knew his sisters from gymnastics. Aimee-Noel was in one of my early pre-competitive groups. I was intimidated by her intensity. Blythe came along later at the same level as me but five years my junior and decidedly better than me. Also, intimidating. And finally, Mary Ann worked at the school and was someone in charge you respected and didn’t mess with. It was only later that I got to know Wyatt (and his lovely wife Vanessa) and Michael Hartley and learned of their admirable accomplishments as well combined with being just awesome-cool guys. The Hartleys are, and always have been, a force.

Strachan’s Story

I was part of the original group who responded to the call from the Hartleys to join them in starting the Strachan Hartley Foundation after Strachan passed away. Why did I want to put in my time to a fledgling organization for someone who, yes I admired, but I barely knew?

It was 2007 and social media was still new at the time (for timeline context, I think I still had an active MySpace account). Aimee-Noel was someone I had recently started following. I learned about Strachan’s battle with cancer and followed the story closely, sure that it would have a happy ending.

I mean, this guy always seemed like he was not a mere mortal: top athlete and student, now a medical doctor, a role model, and deeply loved by his beautiful wife, friends, and family. Aimee-Noel shared each step of the journey, all the way to his tragic passing. I couldn’t grasp how someone who had so much to offer to the world and had fought so hard to stay in it could be gone. It didn’t make sense to me, or anyone else following the heartbreaking story.

The First SHLF Run

So, when Aimee-Noel, one of the fiercest and empathetic humans I have ever met, asked for help to start a foundation in Strachan’s name, I jumped in headfirst.

We met in August and decided to do something to recognize Strachan’s birthday in October. The mission of The Foundation was, and still is, to help give youth the opportunity to reach their potential. A run seemed like a natural fit. It would be at our high school and we would invite everyone we knew. That’s all we knew about how to run a run.

Somehow, that first run came together by the skin of our teeth in just over two months. Talent and passion fueled this small but determined motley crew and the run was a huge success. One of Strachan’s best friends, a brilliant artist and graphic designer, quietly designed the routes, signs and pretty much everything else that needed designing.

Another friend, got everything from coffee to bananas donated from local supporting vendors. Someone else used their connections in the running world to secure participant bibs. We had no idea how many people would actually turn out on the day so underestimated the number of bibs we would need. At one point, one of the other founding members, Shannon, and I started ripping printer paper in half and writing random numbers with sharpies and handed out “bibs.”

No one minded. In fact, everyone who attended said they had an amazing time. We raised a ton of money and reached a huge group of what came to be incredibly loyal supporters. The run was an event that brought the community together in grief and created joy and appreciation for life.

The SHLF Run Legacy

It was the first time I had been a part of anything like this. Any volunteer stints I’d done in the past had been short-lived with limited emotional involvement. SHLF required me to stretch beyond my comfort zones, think outside the expected, and do it with people I really hadn’t known well previously. And it was the best thing I had ever done.

It wasn’t about me, and as the years went on, it wasn’t even about Strachan anymore. The Foundation was indeed making a difference in the lives of the kids at Streetfront, the organization we supported financially. Seeing firsthand that when kids have someone who believes in them and gives them a chance to show what is inside them, and most importantly when they feel seen, they begin to do great things.

Many of the “kids” from Streetfront are now in their 20s and 30s and making their own positive impact in the world. SHLF provides a significant amount of funding to Streetfront, allowing the program to operate and reach more young lives. Through Streetfront, we are taking small steps to make positive change that reverberates beyond self.

In the early days of SHLF, the supporters were all friends, family, and community members touched in some personal way by Strachan’s story and the Hartley family. Aimee-Noel knew we needed to make it about more to sustain the Foundation long-term. Her goal was to fulfill one of Strachan’s final wishes — to make his life more significant in his death.

How to Make a Difference, Even During a Pandemic

Now, 15 years later his legacy lives on through the Streetfront program. Yes, Hartley friends and family from that first run still come out every year but they are standing side by side with people who never met Strachan. In the case of the Streetfront kids, they may not even have been on the earth at the same time as Strachan. And yet, the run continues to build.

Through so many changes, including two years of a global pandemic when we can’t meet in person, the spirit of the run continues and is still changing lives. We have all been through a lot in the past 18 months, and there is a lot of frustration and desire to do something. To feel like we have some control over what is happening in the world.

For me, working with and supporting SHLF is one small way I can help because, as in the beginning 15 years ago, it is not about me. It is about what I can do to foster small positive change in even just one other person and know that there is a chance for that change to do the same for another person and another. It is how we make a difference.

Truth & Reconciliation in Canada: Reading, Listening, Learning

Today is National Day for Truth & Reconciliation in Canada. This is the first year that, as a country, we officially honour the Indigenous children who lived through the residential schools and remember those who never made it out. There were so many.

How do you begin to grasp the magnitude of all these children’s stories? As a mother, it is unthinkable to imagine someone taking my babies away. But think about we must to start the process of undoing the past. It can’t be done all at once, but we can start with one story.

Orange Shirt Day

Since 2013, September 30 has been Orange Shirt Day in Canada. Orange Shirt Day stemmed from the true story of Phyllis Webstad, a residential school survivor, and the orange shirt that her grandmother bought for her and she proudly wore when she was sent to a residential school.

Upon arrival at the school, the treasured orange shirt was taken away along with everything else that mattered to her. Orange shirt day honours Phyllis and every other Indigenous child who was taken from their family and stripped of their identity.

Phyllis’ story brought to light the unbearable reality of Indigenous children in Canada. The recognition of Orange Shirt Day started a dialog. It was one of the important catalysts for what is continuing to unravel today.

The Uncovering of the Big Truth

On May 27, 2021 the unmarked graves of 215 children were uncovered outside of a former residential school in Kamloops BC. In the following months, thousands more mass, unmarked graves were reported across Canada. It is with intention that I use the word “uncovered” not “discovered” as many news agencies have. As the Indigenous peoples have pointed out, they have always known that the graves existed. They just weren’t listened to.

It was a harsh awakening for the rest of Canada and a hard truth to accept. How do I even begin to address the questions my own kids were asking about what they were hearing? I couldn’t answer why. Shame swallowed me up as I realized I didn’t know more than the most basic facts about the residential school program.

I felt overwhelmed and wanted to do something, but this had been going on for a long, long time. It is still going on. Though residential schools are no longer operating in Canada (the last one only closed in 1997!!) the long-lasting damage of the horrors Indigenous children endured is still very much unresolved.

Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside (DTES) is home to many residential school survivors still searching for a way out of the nightmares. The trauma and feelings of abandonment and not belonging anywhere has led many survivors to find solace and community on the DTES streets.

I worked at a modern office adjacent to the DTES for several years. I saw many things that were hard to process. There was so much I didn’t know then and for that blind eye, I am sorry. It will take time to unravel, and probably never fully will. But I can try. I — everyone — can start with listening.

Education is the Path Toward Reconciliation

Education was the thing that got us into this mess; let’s use education to start turning it around. I decided to educate myself through stories. I take a deep breath as I admit how hard the stories are to hear and to read. Sometimes I had to pause and walk away to be able to come back and be able to absorb it all.

I listened to podcasts, the news, and audiobooks. I read non-fiction books and fiction-novels based on true stories. It has helped me come closer to understanding and helped me to know that I can never truly understand but I can listen. We all can listen.

Some of the books I read or have on my list to read include:

Adult Books

Five Little Indians, by Michelle Good
Beyond the Orange Shirt Story, by Phyllis Webstad
Johnny Appleseed, by Joshua Whitehead
From the Ashes, by Jesse Thistle
Braiding Sweetgrass, by Robin Wall Kimmerer

Children’s Books

The Orange Shirt Story: The True Story of Orange Shirt Day, by Phyllis Webstad
When We Were Alone, by David A. Robertson

There are many more stories out there that I want to take in. Stories have the power to take us into worlds we have not experienced nor likely ever will but can evoke the kind of raw emotions that can create systemic, lasting change. It starts with not talking. I am listening.

Grocery Shopping, Yoga, and Collective Grief during a Pandemic

Grocery Shopping During a Pandemic

I had to go get groceries last night. We are stocked up on non-perishables but needed fresh fruit and vegetables. I normally enjoy grocery shopping. Weirdly a lot. My husband gets frustrated at how long it takes me to “pick up a few items” (especially when I luxuriously don’t have the kids with me).

I like the process of systematically checking off items on my list, deciding whether I want a bunch of small bananas or long bananas, which protein appeals to me – seafood, chicken, meat? Those are things I can’t do shopping online. However, online had been my go-to lately given what’s happening in the world but was unable to.

I had tried to order online with my normal local supermarket but they don’t have any available pick-up times for a month and the other one was over a two-week wait. So I was in Safeway taking one for the team.

I waited until 7:30 pm hoping it wouldn’t be busy at that time. I was right, it wasn’t but those of us who were there were wearing gloves, trying to smile in distanced solidarity but also side-eyeing each other suspiciously and generally, all looked like we were holding our breath.

I hated every second of being there.

When I got in the car I wiped my hands thoroughly and took off my jacket and gloves and put it in a plastic bag. When I got home I left my boots outside and wiped down everything before bringing them in the house. I took a shower and cried.

Grieving the Everyday Things I Took For Granted

Trying to explain this awful feeling I had to my husband I struggled. What exactly was it that was making me feel so horrible? It wasn’t just the fear of catching the virus. Or the fact that all the shelves that normally hold sugar and flour were bare (it seems baking supplies are the new toilet paper). It was the loss of doing something I normally enjoyed and now dreaded. Of feeling vulnerable and so conscious of my presence in the world and being uncomfortable with it.

That feeling, my friends, is grief.

This Harvard Business Review article helped put it into perspective and make me feel like it wasn’t just me feeling it right now.

“We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”

Naming it does help. And accepting that there is a loss. I feel myself moving through the stage of grief and watching my kids as they do too. There have been moments of pure joy at being able to spend more time together as a family and not having to rush and stick to strict daily routines. There have also been some epic meltdowns at not being able to play with friends, hug Nanna, or go very far away from home.

Finding Meaning in Loss and Social Distancing

What also helps is finding meaning out of all this. My daughter gave me an idea after she and my son spontaneously burst into a rendition of “Some of My Favourite Things” from The Sound of Music (a live show we attended just a few months ago which now seems like a memory from a different time). So here are our lists of things we didn’t know we cared so much about but miss, and things we didn’t notice before we were forced to slow down.

Things I Don’t Miss:

Commuting downtown
Rushing around to different activities
Being mentally exhausted all the time
Missing my kids all day
Feeling like I’m not doing enough
FOMO

Things we took for granted and miss:

Eating in restaurants
Sushi!
Picking out library books
Hugging loved ones
Touching our faces
Playing with friends
Learning in a classroom
Dinner parties
Movie theatres/live theatre/concerts
Rec-center swimming pools
Vacations/travel
Skiing
Ballet class

Things we didn’t notice/have time for before we were forced to stay home:

At-home yoga/exercise is fantastic!
Living room dance parties are so much fun
Cooking/Baking together and experimenting with new recipes
Bike riding every day with no destination or plan
Building forts outside with blankets and chairs
Discovering new trails and secret fairy hideaways in the forest
Talking to neighbours that normally have only noticed in passing
There are so many crafts you can make with empty egg cartons
Dried acrylic paint chunks make beautiful artwork
Sidewalk chalk messages of love and hope
Writing stories together and illustrating them
Our family and our health is the most important thing

This list will keep growing. I’m determined to keep looking on the bright side, while also acknowledging the losses. The balance of both is essential, I believe, to coming through this time not only intact but possibly stronger.

What are your favorite things today? In this together apart.

Read more about Social Distancing with Kids in this post.

Social Distancing with Kids: A Mom’s Perspective

“Doesn’t this only work if we all hunker down?” ~ Gillian Behnke, Founder Momcamp

That was the question I saw this morning on my Facebook feed with respect to social-distancing. The answer is, unequivocally, yes. (Watch this video for a great visual representation of social distancing and how Covid-19 is spread.) However, since before quite recently, I’m not sure most people in Canada had ever heard the term.

So, it makes sense that there are a lot of questions surrounding what social distancing actually means. Yes, I get it as a concept but when put into context there are so many little decisions we are having to make each day for things that we never thought about before. I don’t have the answers; I’m figuring it out as I go like everyone else. But here are some situations I’ve encountered that might help you understand how others are interpreting what social distancing really means. It’s just one mom’s perspective.

For official advice and recommendations visit the Public Health Agency of Canada or the CDC (Center for Disease Control).

What to Do With Your Kids When Practicing Social Distancing

We had a family meeting this morning and made a list of all the things we could do to have fun and stay safe and healthy and respectful of our community. Here’s our list. Maybe it can help inspire one that works for your family:

Clean house
Play tennis
Bake cookies and cakes
Big hikes
Bike ride
Get backyard ready for summer
Build a fort
Paint pictures
FaceTime family
Play outside (in the back yard)

Social Distancing in Public Spaces

Yesterday I had to go to the pharmacy at the mall to pick up a prescription. I saw someone I knew and out of habit took a step closer to say hi. Then I remembered the new normal and took a step back. Was I too close? What was too close? Do I even know what a two-meter distance is at a glance? (The answer is about three arm lengths).

Here is what the BC Center for Disease Control Recommends.

Social Distancing at Playgrounds

(Updated on March 17 – things have changed a lot since I wrote this. Playgrounds are no longer recommended unless you are the only ones there.)

This is a tough one. I have been avoiding playgrounds for the last week. The thing is, they are probably just fine as long as the kids aren’t crammed into one small space like a playhouse or sharing a swing. They are outdoors for one thing which allows the virus to not settle for too long. Also, kids move so fast that they never spend enough time in one spot that they are likely fine. You may have the urge to wipe down the entire playground equipment with Lysol wipes first (if you have any). If that is important to your peace of mind, the power to you. You could also just wash your kids’ hands before, after and during the playground time. Up to you.

Kids’ Birthday Parties

Two five-year-olds I know that were scheduled to have birthday parties today. One got canceled, the other went ahead but with an abundance of hand sanitizer. Is one decision better than the other? Small group gatherings have not been banned so a child’s birthday party in the family home with eight children and their parents should be fine. Right? There is no guideline for this. It is a judgment call.

Most likely, this is totally fine. But I would think many parents would not be comfortable with having their kids attend any gathering at this point. Not necessarily because they are afraid of getting sick, but because the whole point of social distancing is to work together to limit the transaction of the virus.

Spring Break Day Camps for Kids

I unenrolled my kids in the local recenter day camps they were supposed to attend next week during Spring Break. It would seem a bunch of other parents did the same because there are suddenly tons of openings in camps that had been full since November. But, I noticed pretty quickly that the spot I had made available for my daughter’s camp got filled. I could make that choice (despite only getting 50% of my money back) because my husband and I are lucky enough to be able to work from home. Not everyone has that option and were depending on day camps to be able to work so they can continue putting food on the table and a roof over the kids’ heads.

Everyone is doing the best they can. Judgment doesn’t help anyone. If you need to put your kids into childcare, if it is still open, so that you can continue to make ends meet that is what you have to do. Just talk to your kids about handwashing and ensure the facility is taking an abundance of caution to keep facilities clean and keep the kids away from public spaces.

How to Talk to Your Kids about COVID-19 (Coronavirus)

I first had to think about how to talk to my kids about Coronavirus in January when we were at Cost-co and they noticed people wearing masks on their faces.

They are your children and you know your unique family dynamics better than anyone. I think being honest without scaring them too much is the key.

Don’t overwhelm them with too much information. They need to know the truth but only in tiny clips. Keep the explanations clear and simple. Kids live in black and white reality most of the time so try not to be vague.

Try to keep it fun. You can also play handwashing games like singing their favourite songs while hand washing or making up a story about each corner of your hand.

It is an opportunity to teach and show empathy. Tell them about how you can help or about how others are helping neighbours and friends during this time. Talk about how the world is cooperating and coming together. My daughter asked, “even bad people?” I said, I would like to believe every single person is doing what they can for their families, communities, and humankind.

The CDC also has some recommendations on how to talk to kids about what is happening with COVID-19 and why our normal life routines have changed.

The bottom line, kids will take in how you react more than what you say. We are modeling for them, and perhaps imprinting for their life, how to handle a crisis. Remain calm, reassuring but vigilant about handwashing and cleanliness.

The Importance of Wholeheartedness and Belonging at Work

“If we want people to fully show up at the workplace, we need to create a culture where people feel heard, cared for and connected. Psychological safety makes it possible to have tough conversations and trust and respect for each other. The benefits of having a place to belong include increased productivity, creativity, and innovation.” Brené Brown Education and Research Group

There’s no crying in baseball …or the office

Take out the emotion. That’s the common wisdom when it comes to work, and I learned it early on. I was never very good at it, but when I was beginning my career, no alternatives existed.

So, when at work, I focused on work. My persona, with the emotions taken out, interacted with the people I worked with. She was the construct I had created, what I thought, was the acceptable version of me to have a career in business. It worked for a while. I was dubbed an “A-player” by my male bosses and given promotions. I worked tirelessly to achieve more, be more. Be like those I was surrounded by daily.

It was long after the Don Draper era where people denied emotions completely and managed by openly self-medicating with a decanter in every executive’s office. And, it was a decade before any conversation around mental health in the workplace. It was the time of Obama, Osama Bin Laden, a recession caused by greedy bankers, climate change awareness, and the introduction of social media and smartphones. There was so much changing, yet this big thing that no one talked about.

Technology causes connection and disconnection

It was the final crossover period from analog to total digital. I had a laptop and a Blackberry and could work from anywhere. With Facebook, I could keep in touch with friends from all over the world. After my niece was born in London, UK, I could Skype with my sister every day so it felt as though I knew this little person without ever having actually met her. It was amazing. Technology was advancing at breakneck speed and enabling so much connection. And yet, so much disconnection.

Being able to work from anywhere, any time meant never really shutting off. It’s hard to rest when your mind is constantly spinning. Waking up feeling like I was already behind and never getting ahead. Working on my own, in isolation much of the time because I could. Because I was tired and it took too much energy to pretend to be upbeat and happy all the time which was the other version of me I had created.

Something felt off.

Anxiety creeps in

It came on slowly. The tightening in the chest became more pronounced, more noticeable more often. I could no longer just “push through it.” I could no longer deny that only bringing my persona was crippling my innate creativity and fostering my fears of being an imposter.

Humans are hardwired for connection. Like water, food, and air we need to connect with other beings. To do that, to really do that, you can’t be a persona. You have to bring your whole self. I’m not saying you can bring everything that’s going on in your life into work and lay it out on the table. That is self-indulgent and not productive. But it is OK to say sometimes, “I’m not really OK today. But I showed up and I’m doing my best.”

Wholehearted Living

Brene Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living are as follows:

Cultivating Authenticity and Letting Go of What Other People Think
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Letting Go of Perfectionism
Cultivating Your Resilient Spirit, Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
Cultivating Gratitude and Joy, Letting go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith, Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
Cultivating Creativity and Letting Go of Comparison
Cultivating Play and Rest, Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
Cultivating Calm and Stillness and Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed-To
Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance. And Letting Go of Cool and Always in Control

I haven’t mastered this but wholeheartedness is my goal and I’m working toward it.

It may scare the crap out of some people. On the other hand, it may just give them the permission to say it too the next time they feel that way. It may just open up a workplace that is more empathetic which can’t help but create that connectivity we so need to be successful.

Also read: Bring Your Whole Self from my 40-Before-40 Series

Not Really OK

“How are you?” Answering that question with anything other than a cheery platitude is considered a social faux pas. Generally, the question is a formality. People are not really interested in the answer. Especially if the answer is, “I’m not really OK.”

Last fall, Meghan Markle shared in an interview with iTV in the U.K., that she was not really OK when asked about how she is handling the pressure and intense media scrutiny she was always under. She appeared honest and vulnerable. The very real moment with one of the world’s most-watched women captured on camera struck a chord with many. Including me. How many of us are also, sometimes pretending outwardly to be OK behind a fragile facade?

Not being OK makes other people uncomfortable. It forces them to think about their own situation. So most of the time, we just say, “I’m fine. How are you?” What if you are not. OK. What if you don’t even really have the words to properly explain what is feeling a bit off? How does it make it even worse when you deny what you are feeling to help preserve the other person’s level of disconnect with their own emotions?

Most of us have been taught that crying is a weakness so we mask it. Push it down, pretend it’s not there. We focus on accomplishing goals that will supposedly make us happy. Goals are a good thing. They keep us from getting too stuck in one place. But when constant striving fills you with emptiness and leaves your head spinning, it’s time to stop and recalibrate.

Unfortunately, our society praises being busy and rewards those that achieve. Making it hard to be still and recharge. This leaves us feeling breathless and desperately lonely. For those of us who are extroverted introverts, it can lead to anxiety and depression.

“We are hardwired for connection,” cites shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown. The cycle of shame over not being what people want us to be can be overwhelming.

Things are changing though. There is a quiet rumble. You can hear it if you are paying attention.

I think we are seeing something of a revolution in this regard. But, like every revolution, it takes a few brave people to publicly defy the behaviour of the masses. And those that do, will feel the bruises. And in this case, they feel everything else too.

Reportedly, the Duchess and her eight-month-old son, Archie, are back in Saanich, BC where they spent the holidays. It’s a beautiful little spot in the world. Just a short drive and a ferry ride away from where I am. Having spent four years living on Vancouver Island while I went to the University of Victoria, I get the draw. The Pacific Ocean, the old-growth forests, and tree-lined streets make it a peaceful place where one might recharge their soul. And, with so much attention surrounding her movements, it makes sense why she might need to do just that.

No one is following me with a camera and I find myself seeking a place to hide sometimes. My kids are now seven and four. So I’m past the baby phase with my kids, but even still, it can all feel like too much at times.

Having a baby changes you forever. And no one talks about it. Or if they do, it’s glossed over with how wonderful it is. Yes, it is — wonderful. But it is also so hard. You can’t complain because you have what so many people want so badly and struggle to find. It would seem ungrateful when your children are healthy and happy and you seem to have it all. So you stay quiet and force a smile.

I remember going for a walk one night with my husband a few days before the due date of my first child seven years ago. The houses in our new neighbourhood were lit brightly and decorated for Christmas — also only a couple of days away. It was snowing lightly and there were very few cars on the road. It was perfect. I should have been so happy.

He asked me why I was so quiet. For one thing, I got winded easily while walking at that late stage in my pregnancy. More than that though, I was overwhelmed by the impending shift that was about to happen in our lives. I said, “Everything is about to change.” He squeezed my hand and replied, “Yes, for the better.” I nodded. Of course. Having a baby was what both of us wanted. We were ready with the nursery and baby gear. And yet there was so much I wasn’t ready for and never would be.

Things like how to get me and two kids out the door anywhere on time with everything we need for wherever we are going – school, soccer, the grocery store. There is just so much to think about all the time. Generally, we don’t require as much gear with us each time now that they aren’t babies. They can, theoretically, put on their own shoes and coats but you are still going through a mental checklist each time.

I struggle every day with the pressure of feeling like I have to be everything to everyone. I agonize over not being the one to pick my kids up from school each day because I also work full-time. At the same time, at work, I feel like I am not everything I could be because I can’t give the same number of hours as some colleagues at different life stages as me. It’s a constant push and pull. It’s exhausting.

I know it is not sustainable.

So maybe, change start out with small steps. Like answering honestly when asked, if you’re OK. Helping to change the expectation that you should always be OK. If I answer honestly, maybe it will encourage others to do the same.

Read more about this topic Bring Your Whole Self (11)

Six Great Books I Read in 2019

This is about real books that you can hold, flip actual pages, and smell the cover of (don’t lie, you do it too). I’ve talked at length about how audiobooks have filled my commutes with learning and decreased my stress. But, last year I also carved out time – intentionally – to read good, old fashioned physical books too.

It meant giving up TV for the summer, and less time scrolling through social media. It meant staying up a little later than usual sometimes. And being ok with reading less at a time but more often. The result? I felt like a missing piece of me had been found. I felt inspired to write my own stories again.

Note: These books did not all get published in 2019 but that’s when I read them. I think most are from 2017 onwards so pretty close. Here are my favorite books of 2019:

Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate

My six year old was drawn to the cover. It shows a peaceful scene of two little girls holding each other on a dock at sunset. She kept asking me about the story and as I read more and more I struggled to tell her what I could about what happened to the little girls. I put it in simpler terms but essentially this is what I told her:

This is a story about the bond between sisters, about defining what family means and overcoming your past. What happened to the kids in this story haunts me still. No spoilers here beyond the book jacket, but the story is based on facts, which makes it even harder to digest.

And it makes it even more remarkable to see the resilience of the human spirit told in the lives of these women. It is so important to dig up the past if only to remind ourselves of what we never want to be as a society again.

I loved this book and would probably read it all over again but slower to really feel each of the voices as they etch their way into my heart and subconscious.

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Set in the 90s in a manufactured Ohio neighborhood, this book unravels bit by bit through carefully revealed details until the whole irreparable mess is splayed before you. When it ended, I wanted more. The characters are unsympathetic for the most part, yet I found myself rooting for people who probably didn’t deserve it. But maybe that was the whole point. Aren’t we all multi-dimensional and hard to root for at times? Celeste Ng masterfully tells the story of family, race, friendship, judgment, and being forced to your edge. If you read nothing else this year, read Little Fires Everywhere.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine is like the sign on your rearview mirror – objects are closer than they appear. At first, Eleanor comes across as an ordinary eccentric. She isn’t terribly likable to pretty much anyone and doesn’t seem to care. However, this is not a story about accepting one’s uniqueness because that is how you were born. Nope, it is a story of survival against cruelty and the powerful effect of having just one person believe in you.

Quirky and real, I’m glad I read this book. I hear they are making a movie and fear that this is one better left on the page but am interested in a film interpretation.

Daisy Jones and The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I totally get why this was such a popular book this year. I really liked it and wanted to keep learning more about this fictional band and their year where they climaxed to the top of the pop culture world. Dirty and self-indulgent, it is everything that 1970s rock and roll was all about.

Daisy Jones and the Six is told from multiple first-person perspectives making it easy to flip through without too much concentration. You know Taylor Jenkins Reid is driving toward meaning in the end. Although you do have to remind yourself of that fact sometimes as the story drudges through more and more self-destructive behavior. I really liked this book. Would I read it again? Probably not. I don’t think there are any deeper layers than what I got out of it the first time.

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

I wasn’t sure I would like The Hate U Give. Admittedly, the abbreviated form of U in the title was a put-off. I had heard quite a bit about this book, had seen it everywhere and knew a movie was in the works so decided to give it a shot. I’m glad I did. I couldn’t put it down. After a few pages of Starr’s voice, I understood the title choice and was glad they stuck with it for authenticity.

This is an important book, not only for the adolescent audience for which Angie Thomas had originally intended but for all ages. I would argue, especially for those who can’t relate to the struggles of the characters in the story. It is not just another story about racial conflicts or coming of age in a world that doesn’t accept you. It’s about finding your voice, owning it, and knowing your worth.

Don’t You Forget About Me by Mairi McFarlane

I almost gave up this one. The premise seemed unbelievable and trite, but it redeemed itself halfway through. This was a great second-part of a vacation read – easy to digest, lots of humor but it has substance too (as it turns out).

Georgina is not as simple as she is first portrayed. Although, I’m not sure the events that get revealed completely explain her current state of stuckness in her life. You do have to suspend a little disbelief and dive in. The end is happy – as you would expect from a rom-com book – but it takes a few dark turns to get there making it worth the read.

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Read my reviews on some recent Audiobook that I’ve consumed in my post My Year in Audiobooks. Let me know what you thought about any of them!

My Year (and a bit) in Audiobooks

Reading had always been so important to my sense of self. The feeling of holding a good book in your hands after you’ve just finished it is one of the most satisfying things in life. So, naturally, I was skeptical about trying audiobooks.

However, the busy life of a working mom had left me little energy and time to read at the end of the day as I used to. My commute downtown had always been a sense of frustration about the wasted time. So, I decided to fill it with audiobooks.

I used to stress about being stuck in traffic but now I just listen to an audiobook and let the rain pour down and crawl across town in my car and come home calm. Audiobooks have fed my need to learn and desire to use my time to the max. So after a year, here are the books I’ve consumed and what I thought of them.

Girl, Stop Apologizing By Rachel Hollis

This book was great. We are always apologizing, aren’t we? This book was good for helping me recognize this and stop it. Own what I want out of life and set goals to achieve it. The woman has four kids and managed to write this book. She shares her struggles and sacrifices and is very real about how it has not always easy street but it is worth it when you are actually living your best life.

Girl, Wash Your Face By Rachel Hollis

Read this one first but make sure you follow up with her follow up Girl, Stop Apologizing. Her voice is a bit annoying at first but you get used to it and actually start to feel closer to her stories because it’s so real. I liked this way more than I thought I would. I have heard her podcasts are pretty great too.

Becoming By Michelle Obama

As if I didn’t love the Obamas enough already. Michelle narrated my drive for a few cold weeks last February and I still feel the warmth it brought me. Beautifully told, this is a story of a woman’s struggle to find her place in the world. Her journey has not been what she thought it would be. But being open, finding out how to be open, to what opportunities were there for her beyond what she had set out for has led to a special and meaningful life. I have heard people say they were disappointed by this book. It is a slow climb. I really liked though and would recommend sticking with it. Her lessons will stick with you.

You Do You By Sarah Knight

This is Sarah Knight’s third book after How to Get Your Shit Together, and The Power of Not Giving a Fuck. I am pleased that this book is read by the author, as I always am, but her sardonic humor can get to be a bit much. Despite this, I do like this book and recommend listening. It is great for reinforcing something that I really need practice with – setting boundaries with people and being OK without getting positive reinforcements from others.

Don’t listen to this while carpooling – profanity is used throughout and she quite obviously does not have kids and does not like them. Overlook that though and listen on your own and giggle.

First We Make the Beast Beautiful By Sarah Wilson

This is not a self-help book. It is more of a confessional narrative about her ups and downs of her life with anxiety and finding peace with the fact that it will always be there next to her. It is about learning to be and losing the feeling that you need to be ashamed or find a way to suppress your anxiety. It is there; it probably always will be and will bring with it some limits to what you can or should do. But it doesn’t have to stop you. In fact, it can even be an asset.

Audiobooks I Have Re-Listened To

Braving the Wilderness By Brene Brown

This was my Brene Brown introduction. Loved it so much that I listened to it again – the whole thing – a year later. Still so good. The path to wholehearted living is not the one that everyone else has travelled. It’s about not being small. Being who you are and letting other people see it.

Dare To Lead By Brene Brown

Every time I consume a Brene Brown book I think it is my favorite. This is no exception. I have listened and re-listened to parts of it to write down the good parts. Which started turning into most of it. Read by Brene as she always does, this book reinforces what you have learned and helps with both personal and work. It is so good.

Daring Greatly By Brene Brown

I really liked this one while listening but to be honest, couldn’t remember the details from it separate from her other books. I had to re-listen and I’m glad I did. It breaks down shame and the importance of setting boundaries. “If we own the story, we get to control the ending.” It also goes into men and shame and how they experience it differently. This is a game-changer to understand in our relationships.

Rising Strong By Brene Brown

I think this is my second favorite Brene Brown book but I love them all so tanking them feels more like an exercise in testing the Recency Effect. It is all about being facedown in the arena. I remind myself all the time that daring greatly will always mean you will find yourself facedown in the arena. Those in the cheap seats will always judge, but they don’t matter because they didn’t even try. After you get up and dust yourself off, you will learn to rise strong. You will own your story, even the ugly and messy parts.

Audiobooks I Didn’t Finish

Take Control of Your Life By Mel Robbins

There are good parts about this book but it’s mostly pre-recorded sessions with her coaching people out of their negative thinking that is keeping them stuck. I didn’t love the format and found her a bit annoying to listen to at times. But the big takeaway is that fear is felt in your body. It gets triggered and puts you on a repeating loop for how that fear has made you behave in the past which is what’s keeping you from moving forward with your life. Overall, overrated IMO.

Mindset

I believe this could be a life-changing book. However, I could not listen to it. It is not read by the author and sounds like a robot reading. Read this one the old fashioned way.

The Path Made Clear “By” Oprah Winfrey

This was the most disappointing one on the list. I had such high hopes but it wasn’t really by Oprah at all. It was a compilation of audio clips by other famous people. Yes, she read the intro and conclusion and some bits in-between but it was not enough that I can say this was what I was expecting.

A New Year

I’m currently listening to Love Warrior by Glennon Melton Doyle. I read the actual book a few years ago, but am now consuming the audio version. I hadn’t noticed in the physical book, but as she reads it the words feel like poetry. Not sure if that was intentional but it does make it even more powerful. Highly recommend so far.

Next up is Educated – A Memoir by Tara Westover. I’m thinking I might try mixing things up a bit more and listening to fiction this year as well. Stay tuned for updates!

Home for a Rest

Driving over the Iron Workers Bridge this beautiful, cold morning listening to Spirit of the West‘s Home for A Rest on the CBC. I was remembering all those good times (many fuzzy half-memories if I’m honest), associated with that song. So many.

When the announcer came on and thanked a listener, Linda, for her tweet. She was, “dancing and crying as the song played while she walked to work.” I smiled. No question that’s my sister.

I love that she shared her moment. I love that because she shared her moment I could picture her and feel it too. That indescribable feeling that good music can create. We all have our memories of songs. They are different. But it is the universality of that feeling that makes it magical and brings us together.

Thank you, John Mann and Spirit of the West for the memories, for giving Canada a theme song, for putting North Shore pubs on the list of things to do while visiting Vancouver.

And, for bringing people together. That is what is supposed to do.

Read more about gratitude and bringing people together: Giving Thanks (13)

When I Grow Up

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

This question. It has been asked by adults of kids for generations. Like a genetic trait that we can’t get rid of. How can kids answer this question and why does it matter? My job now didn’t exist when I was a child. Heck, it didn’t exist when I went to University!

But, kids do answer the question. My daughter says she wants to be mom when she grows up. While it fills my heart, it also fills me with guilt that I haven’t been a good feminist. I remind myself that she is six. Things can change. They sure did for me.

Bringing stories to life has always been my thing. As far back as I can remember, I have been creating imaginary worlds and fictional characters. Before I could write, I acted out stories with my dolls. They went through all the adventures rumbling through my mind. They were gymnasts, explorers, famous singers. They were part of large families and they had conflicts with friends that they worked out.

Later, I wrote plays and directed my friends in elaborate stories. We were nurses, brides, flight attendants, and famous actresses. We had socialite parties and family gatherings. I felt most alive being able to tell the stories of others.

At summer camp, I took part in a skit with my cabinmates as part of the end-of-week talent show and found that I loved performing in front of an audience and making them laugh. I set my new ambition on acting.

While there was no doubt that I was drawn to the world of theatre and writing from a young age, I also had a bit of an entrepreneurial mind.

When I was 10, I came up with a business concept to create a hotel for pets. It would be a multi-story building in which the animals each had their own sleeping room, separate private eating area, and private entrance to the outdoor common swimming pool, grassy field, and doggy beach (apparently, in my mind, this hotel would be in California).

I wanted an alternative to kennels, because I hated the idea of leaving our own dogs in a place that didn’t treat pets with the love and respect I felt they deserved. I drew my plans for what the hotel would look like with colourful Crayolas and told anyone who asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I figured that I could make enough money from being in movies that I could open my pet hotel business and be an actress.

Even then I was convinced by the idea of having it all.

Then, I entered high school. I quickly realized that saying I wanted to be an actress and owner of a pet hotel no longer got me looks of admiration for my pluckiness. Rather, the looks were of concern for the lack of solid ground that I was standing on.

Ever eager to please, I came up with the idea of becoming a lawyer. It made sense to my strong need for justice and understanding of rules. And, it garnered respect from adults who nodded that it was indeed a valid profession to pursue.

But it never quite felt right. I liked the idea of wearing expensive suits and fighting for social justice. I liked the idea of knowing the law, but I didn’t want to practice it as a career.

When I got to university, I was confused and didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was accepted into the Creative Writing program though. I did well, received positive feedback on my writing from instructors and mentors but after three years, I wasn’t sure at the time that I wanted to be a writer full time.

I doubted my ability to be able to garner enough interesting stories. I guess that was when I first encountered imposter syndrome although I didn’t know it had a name at the time. The other people in the program were different from me. Or, I was different from them. I felt that because I didn’t want to live the life of an introvert dismissing the mainstream world, that I wasn’t cut out to be a full-time writer.

Years (we won’t say how many) later, I am not a lawyer, actress. Or pet hotel proprietor. Or a full-time writer. I still am passionate about these same things – telling stories (be it on stage or on-page), knowing the rules and being showing respect to animals.

Thanks to technology, the options for writing have opened up and being able to have a career that includes writing and business strategy are now available. I’ve managed to find a way to write as my job. I was wrong about my perception about writers. It was narrow. But at the time, I hadn’t been exposed to other options. I didn’t realize that I could write but not be a hermit in a cave.

Adults will probably never stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. I hope they stop giving them looks of disapproval or try to persuade them to choose a more practical option. You never know where the world of possibilities will be when they do grow up and exploring different paths will most likely lead them to where they are supposed to be.

Read:What Makes a Grown-Up from my 40 Before 40 series.