Equality (10)

One night in my early 20’s at the restaurant I worked at, I was moved out of my section mid-shift, by the GM to wait on one table of “high rollers.” Why me? He said they were VIP customers and he wanted the best. The thing is, I wasn’t the best server, that would have been a big bearded guy named Dan.

When I got to the table, they were all middle-aged businessmen – clearly with money. They may have been potential investors.

Instantly, I knew why I was there.

Nothing horribly inappropriate occurred other than a few glances at me up and down and some “just having fun” side remarks. I still felt icky. But I didn’t do anything about it. I smiled through it, was professional, took my large tip and went home. I’ve never forgotten though and never let it happen again. At the time, I wasn’t equipped to feel like I could say I was uncomfortable.

This kind of thing, and worse, happens all the time to women in all industries in all walks of life in some form or another. It’s so often brushed off as “that’s just how it is.” We have come so far technically but staying silent is what allows the imbalance of power to continue.

“The history of men’s opposition to women’s emancipation is more interesting perhaps than the story of that emancipation itself.”

– Virginia Woolf, A Room of Ones Own

The rise of the #metoo movement has stirred up something powerful. It has opened up questions, created a resistance front and backlash too. An interview with the always eloquent Emma Thompson sums speaks to what is at the base of what has caused this shift and what is at the root of how we got to where we are in society. Listen to the interview here “Harvey Weinstein Top of the Harassment Ladder.”

Bring Your Whole Self (11)

I once worked with a woman who came across as harsh and bullish. I didn’t like her all – until we went for a drink one evening and out of the work environment, she was a completely different person. Fun, cool and nice. The transformation was astonishing. How did she do that?

I have found that we all do it to some degree as adults. The more activities and responsibilities you have, it sometimes becomes easier to compartmentalize your personality to best fit the situation.

Maybe it’s a bit of instinctual self-preservation in case of rejection. Maybe it feels necessary.

The result is that others don’t really get to know you. All of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. Truth – not everyone is going to like you anyway (gasp)! Take the risk. The real connections that are made with the real you are worth whatever negativity you may encounter.

“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.” ~ Coco Channel

Stillness (12)

Today was beautiful and I had had great plans to have a big day – pumpkin patch or big family hike to work off the turkey. Didn’t happen. Instead, we had a quiet day at home. I got a few things done, went for a small walk in the woods but really just took it easy. It was nice.

Being OK with doing little took me a long time. When someone asks me how I am my answer is “busy.”

I’m usually trying to cram as much into every minute of the day. I think we get caught up with feeling good about ourselves only when accomplishing something. Being busy all the time is destructive.

It’s hard to recharge when you are always rushing around. Your mind requires quiet stillness to stay calibrated.

Doing nothing is challenging, but it’s amazing the things you notice when you are still that you would have missed.

Giving Thanks (13)

Thanksgiving dinner went from a civilized table to karaoke very quickly. Some in costume. Pirates, princesses and Scottish lords… as you do.

What I’m thankful for is family that are also friends. My niece and nephew are like brother and sister to my kids. So comfortable they are at my sister’s house that they just snuggled into bed together like it is home. It is so wonderful to have them grow up together.

It is not enough to be content about people in your life. Tell them you are thankful. Connections are what make us human. Happy Thanksgiving!

‘Thank you’ is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.”

—Alice Walker

Just Give’r (14)

My kids are obsessed with pirates so, I bought them pirate costumes for Halloween. My little guy has insisted, no, demanded to wear it every day since he got it.

He is sleeping in it right now; last night he was talking in his sleep about being a pirate.

For him, it is not just a costume, his energy changes when he wears it – he fully believes he is a pirate.

He is 100% committed to his role when he is “in character.” I admire and envy how easy it is for kids to slip in and out of reality – whatever that might be at any given time.

No filters, no holding back. Just be who you are.

“Be good, be young, be true!” – Alexandre Dumas, fils, The Lady of the Camellias

Know Your Priorities (15)

I like a good deal. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it backfires. Turns out there are things you can go no name on and there are things that, no, just don’t. Like wine, shoes and toilet paper.

And Love.

Never compromise on love. It’s not always easy; it shouldn’t be, but when you find it and it’s real, hold on to it with everything you’ve got. This is everything. So thankful!

“I see you everywhere, in the stars, in the river; to me you’re everything that exists; the reality of everything.” ~ Virginia Wolf, Night and Day

Sensei (16)

At a crossroads in my life, I went to Japan to to take a job as the Head (only) Instructor in a small school outside of Osaka. I had classes all day with different ages, from 3 year olds who I mostly just played and danced with, to grandmothers who taught me about Ikebana and Japanese cooking and so much more.

They were “conversation” classes so only a fairly informal lesson plan structure was required. There is so much pressure on the Japanese kids to excel, I found I was just as interested in finding out who they were and giving them a chance to learn to speak freely without worrying about passing or failing. This was quite unusual for them.

My favourite class was the six to eight year old class. In the beginning, they were hesitant to speak up and always looking around at each other for approval. By the end of my time there, they had learned to be modestly silly at times and have some fun with learning.

Although I thought at the time that I was making a difference in their lives by teaching them, the truth is when I look back I learned so much from my students too. Being a teacher is an awesome responsibility. There is so much more to it than a lesson plan.

English teacher in Japan with students — Having fun with my grade 4 class in the little school house in Kashiwara-shi.

“[Kids] don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.” ― Jim Henson, It’s Not Easy Being Green: And Other Things to Consider

Do the Right Thing (17)

There is a feeling you get right before you are about to do something wrong. A little twinge to let you know that in that split second, there is a choice. It happens in the midst of a heated conversation and sometimes things are said that shouldn’t be.

Most often you could stop them before they come tumbling out but then…you don’t. Or instead of a cookie you eat the whole box. You know you will regret it. You tell yourself not to. But you do it anyway.

Why is it so hard to listen to ourselves? It takes practice and conscious discipline.Not easy, but the little rush you get from rebelling against yourself flits by and is replaced by the dreaded guilt of the ‘should not have’ and that sits around weighing you down for a long time.

“She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it).”

~Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

Finding Forgiveness (18)

“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.” ~Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

On my 5th birthday, after the song, as I was taking a deep breath and making a wish, my friend swooped in and blew out the candles on my cake (you know who you are Mr. Coles). What followed was nothing short of pure devastation. It took many years but I finally forgave him and even invited him to my birthday dinner again when I was 18.

For a five year old, that’s about as bad as it can get. As I got older the hurts didn’t diminish of course, they got more complicated. And deeper. Sometimes, forgiveness seemed unimaginable. It’s not easy, but holding on to hurt just keeps you stuck in one place and that place is pretty inhospitable. Generally it’s not about you really anyway. When you forgive, it doesn’t necessarily set the other person free – it lets you let go.

Kindness (19)

Life is valuable. Someone who feels powerless, may think that taking life away will make them feel powerful. It doesn’t. Obviously.

Real power is found in acts of love, compassion and kindness. Even, or maybe, especially to someone who doesn’t appear to want it or seem to deserve it. So many people are hurting silently, until they can be silent no more. You truly never know how helping someone out of a dark place could make all the difference in the world. The lesson here is not political, religious or nationalistic. It is about being human; it is about the value of life and it is everything.