Finding Light in the Darkness

The electric toothbrush in my mouth stopped mid-whirrr, the lights shut off, and the fan’s buzzing on the other side of the wall in the bedroom was suddenly quiet. My thought process: there’s been an attack. By who? Space aliens or Republicans (I’ve been watching too many episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale) not sure – my mind didn’t have time to get to that point in the confabulation.

I left the bathroom and saw a flashlight in the hall being held by my husband. “Is it more than our house?” I said. Even in the dark I could see him nod vigorously. “Come look.” Even before the drapes had been fully pulled the complete darkness was evident outside. It was eerie. It’s summer, but not hot enough to cause a blackout. It never is here.

“Must have been something with all that construction by the highway.” Of course, that makes sense. My logical partner. The yin to my yang. He brings me back to solid ground. Why does my mind go to the extreme answer? The most dramatic version, the worst possible outcome, the least likely to happen is what I think of first.

My imagination is active and still wild so that is a positive. I suspect, though, that I do it to prevent the proverbial rug from being pulled out from under me. Brene Brown says in Daring Greatly that it also prevents you from feeling joy in the moment. That is the opposite of what is in my personal Charter of Integrity for my life (more on that later). She says in order to stop the narrative, you need to stop and acknowledge that you are having an emotional reaction. A button has been pushed.

This is my go-to but, I’ve recently come to realize, is something that can be changed. It is a habit like smoking (bad) or going to the gym every morning (good). Going to dark places is a habit that can be changed.

“Once you realize that you are going into that spiral, you are no longer part of it,” says thought-leader Jon Kabat-Zinn on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday . “You get to write yourself a restraining order to toxic thoughts.” How? Mr. Kabat-Zinn outline four steps:

1-Recognize a toxic thoughts pattern

2- get to the root of your negative emotions

3- Lean away from the noise the mind is making

4- Accept this moment as if you had chosen it

So, last night, I put a flashlight on my bedside table and instead of freaking out about the total darkness, indulged in it and accepted it as natural blackout blinds. And you know what, I slept solidly until morning when everything was indeed light again.

Words (Epilogue)

I hadn’t intended this series to become what it did. I thought I might share a pithy sentence or two, whimsical in tone about life lessons learned. Then I started writing and the words came tumbling out. Not always light-hearted and sometimes – often – the end result was not what had been the plan.

That’s what is so interesting about writing, or any creative process. Being open to what can happen and going with it.

Writing is something I used to spend quite a bit of time doing. I truly love words. Over the years though, the only writing was for business and I began to doubt whether it was really still ‘my thing.’ Like anything, it takes practice and discipline to stick with it. You don’t get better at something by just thinking about it.

Dreaming and planning are wonderful important steps, but then you have to take action and keep doing it even when you don’t feel like it. Even if you are afraid it won’t be very good. It won’t be anything if it stays in your head.

Thank you for all the encouragement and kind words on this journey. And for sharing your stories and memories along with me. After all, we are all made of stories.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

On Top of the Hill (2)

I was chatting with a 20 something year old colleague said the other day, about how she was looking forward to the point in her life where she felt stable and knew where she was going to be. This sparked a debate among the group.

Do you ever get to the point where you can truly trust that you know where you are going to be? Should you actually want that? For the restless souls, that seemed like a terribly boring state to be in. For the old souls, it is the utmost goal in life.

Totally a matter of perspective. I remember feeling similarly about wanting stability, and then when I got to a place that I had worked so hard for, I felt a little like I had reached the end of my choose your own adventure story. In a way, it is the end of the wondering, but it doesn’t have to be the end of adventure; it’s just different now.

I am exactly where I want to be. It’s not 100% how I imagined it, but pretty damn close. How I got here though, the people I have met along the way who have influenced and inspired me, the places I have seen and the things I have felt still feel like a surprise to me when I think back at the journey.

I’m a planner so there were times along the way where I had to completely change course and go a different direction which was super scary but allowing myself to be open to opportunities and trusting myself that I would find a good path got me to where I am.

I may be 40 but my adventure is far from over; the real fun is just beginning.

“First thing we’d climb a tree and maybe then we’d talk. Or sit silently and listen to our thoughts. With illusions of someday casting a golden light. No dress rehearsal, this is our life.” ~ The Tragically Hip

Go Big – part 3 (3)

The two biggest physical tests of strength I have ever endured are running a marathon and childbirth. Not necessarily in that order. I will only talk about the running here although there are many similarities.

In 2006 I ran the Vancouver International Marathon. I was feeling pretty strong until shortly before the end when I realized I had never run farther than that before. As I looked out at the sea of people cheering on the sidelines, I saw the 39 KM marker and my breathing started getting choppy.

I began to panic. So close to the end but I was really having trouble getting air; I might not finish. I really thought I was done. Then I realized it was my mind getting in the way and not my body breaking down. So I just kept going without thinking too far ahead. One foot in front of the next. Repeat. Until I got to the finish line (not on a stretcher).

Something transformational happens when you are that raw and you persevere through it to the other side. The thing is, you can never truly know what you are capable of unless you try.

The mind is everything. What you think you become.

– Buddha

Go Big – part 2 (4)

My first true loves were theater and writing. I studied both and early on, had thought to make a career out of one or both. Then I realized my desire for stability and need to plan made me not cut out for the role of starving artist. I love what I do now for a career and respect myself for the choices I made.

It is possible to develop new passions and new dreams. It is also possible to fulfill one interest while continuing to develop skills in other areas. After graduating from business school, a friend introduced me to community theater. It was perfect. I could still flourish in my marketing career while feeding my creative soul.

One of the first plays I was cast in was a terrible melodrama and the director was a despot. At the time, I questioned my decision to take this part. I was tired from working all day and I was not enjoying it. I’d like to say it got better when we opened but it didn’t.

However, I met some of the most wonderful people doing that play who have become lifelong friends and who have brought me into other productions that I am incredibly proud of and which renewed my energy and made me remember why I wanted to do it in the first place.

That’s the thing, when you say yes to something, even if you aren’t sure, it could just lead you to great things.

Cast of Fawlty Towers, Theatre West Van — Fawtly Towers Cast, Theatre West Van, Jason Hilliard as Manuel, Simon Drake as Basil Fawlty, Rozlyn Summers as Sybil Fawlty, and Heidi King as Polly Sherman

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.”

― E.E. Cummings

Make a Difference (8)

Today was the annual Strachan Hartley Legacy Foundation Run. Like the founder of the Foundation, Aimee-Noel (Hartley) Mbiyozo, it is one of my favourite days of the year and I have only missed one out of 12 due to work travel.

I wrote before about why it means so much to me. It brings together family and community, and helps at-risk youth who really deserve a chance.

The money raised goes to Streetfront, a local organization that provides alternative programs for kids who otherwise would not find the opportunity to succeed.

Streetfront organizer Trevor Stokes spoke today about what the foundation means to the kids that SHLF provides funding for. Then one of the students came up and shared her own experience of having gone through the program and having her life completely turned around.

This 16 year old graduate of the Streetfront spoke with confidence, assurance and passion about where she surely would have been if not for people believing in her and the support of Streetfront. Looking at her now, you would not believe that she is going to be anything but successful.

It’s astounding to understand that she may have been on a very different path otherwise. My heart burst a bit when after she spoke I witnessed her giving a big hug off to the side to Mary Ann, the mom of Strachan. It felt like full circle and that Strachan’s wish to make a difference truly has happened.

So, make a difference to someone else. Big or small. Whatever that means to you.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Go Big – part 1 (5)

On my 19th birthday, I jumped out of an airplane. Skydiving was something I had wanted to do for ages but had to wait until I didn’t need a parent to sign off on it. Because that was about as likely as my mom holding my hand while I got a tattoo.

I went with my friend Michelle and, it was the first airplane she had ever been in! That’s all kinds of crazy in itself, but even more so is that she was calm through the whole event.

I was too…until I had to walk my hands out on the wing of the plane and let go. It went against all logic. I held on for a bit longer than I should have so the instructor reached out and pried my hands off. Then I was sailing through the air and everything I had learned in training the past two days was gone. I was clutching on for dear life to the strings in my hands.

Then I looked up and saw that my parachute was wobbly and I was sure I was done for. I was the unfortunate 1%. Then I looked up at my hands and realized the strings I was holding onto were the brakes and they were letting air in so I couldn’t glide.

Once I let go, everything was OK. I trusted that I knew what to do and it was the most incredible experience of my life up to that point. Floating down to earth and hearing nothing but air. The fields below me, the Pacific Ocean to right, cars passing by on the highway to the left – I could hear nothing but the sound of my presence floating through the air.

I’ve never felt so at peace. Sometimes that can happen quickly like that – absolute panic to complete contentment with the snap of a finger. Not that I recommend it, but I think the I-am-going-to-die moment led me to sink deeper into the adjoining feeling of appreciation for the moment even more.

“We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.”

― Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

Sticks and Stones – part 2 (6)

“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.”

― Rudyard Kipling

When I was 10, a stone really did break my bones in my arm.I fell off our swingset and landed on a rock. Sticks and stones may break my bones… The saying is a silly one because names/words can very much hurt, sometimes more than a broken arm.

For people, like me, who tend to be “spongy” it’s pretty much impossible to let negativity roll off your back. It sinks in whether you like it or not. Words are incredibly powerful; they can build up or destroy. The choice is up to you.

Sticks and Stones – part 1 (7)

I am constantly telling my kids “no” in various forms: no pushing, no shouting, no dumping a bucket of sand on that man at the beach reading a newspaper minding his own business, no hitting your sister with a stick. It goes on and on. They say sorry to appease me and carry on.

Young kids don’t really get what sorry really feels like but quickly learn to use the word as a get-out-of-jail free card. It diffuses the the tension they caused and they don’t have to have a time out. But they haven’t learned anything.

As adults we know it means saying, I was wrong. No one likes admitting that. But is it even enough to just say sorry? I know I’ve been apologized to and you just know the person isn’t being genuine. It just makes it worse. I’m sure I’ve done the same.

Being sorry means feeling someone else’s pain – empathy – and accepting that you could have done better by them.

“An apology is the superglue of life! It can repair just about anything!!”
― Lynn Johnston

Wild Nights (9)

“When he worked, he really worked. But when he played, he really PLAYED.”
― Dr. Seuss

We are going out tonight. With adults to a trendy restaurant downtown. This is a big deal and it’s kind of exhilarating. This is something I used to do every weekend and now it’s so rare I can’t remember the last time it happened. This is what we’ve become.

I’ve said that life doesn’t end when you have a child – it ends when you have two. I’m kidding, of course, sort of.

Life as you knew it can for the most part resume with one child, but with two or three or more those small beings take control and suddenly you find yourself at Superstore by yourself at 9 pm on a Friday by yourself feeling like you are having a wild and rebellious night out. That’s momlife.

Working 40 plus hours a week then coming home and being full on mommy and all that entails doesn’t leave much energy for much else.

It’s so important to find a way to do it though. Or whatever it is that reminds you that you are still you. Whether it’s going out with friends, going for a run or whatever it is that makes you, you.

I’m going to go now and shoot back an espresso so I can keep my eyes open past 8:00.