Grocery Shopping, Yoga, and Collective Grief during a Pandemic

Grocery Shopping During a Pandemic

I had to go get groceries last night. We are stocked up on non-perishables but needed fresh fruit and vegetables. I normally enjoy grocery shopping. Weirdly a lot. My husband gets frustrated at how long it takes me to “pick up a few items” (especially when I luxuriously don’t have the kids with me).

I like the process of systematically checking off items on my list, deciding whether I want a bunch of small bananas or long bananas, which protein appeals to me – seafood, chicken, meat? Those are things I can’t do shopping online. However, online had been my go-to lately given what’s happening in the world but was unable to.

I had tried to order online with my normal local supermarket but they don’t have any available pick-up times for a month and the other one was over a two-week wait. So I was in Safeway taking one for the team.

I waited until 7:30 pm hoping it wouldn’t be busy at that time. I was right, it wasn’t but those of us who were there were wearing gloves, trying to smile in distanced solidarity but also side-eyeing each other suspiciously and generally, all looked like we were holding our breath.

I hated every second of being there.

When I got in the car I wiped my hands thoroughly and took off my jacket and gloves and put it in a plastic bag. When I got home I left my boots outside and wiped down everything before bringing them in the house. I took a shower and cried.

Grieving the Everyday Things I Took For Granted

Trying to explain this awful feeling I had to my husband I struggled. What exactly was it that was making me feel so horrible? It wasn’t just the fear of catching the virus. Or the fact that all the shelves that normally hold sugar and flour were bare (it seems baking supplies are the new toilet paper). It was the loss of doing something I normally enjoyed and now dreaded. Of feeling vulnerable and so conscious of my presence in the world and being uncomfortable with it.

That feeling, my friends, is grief.

This Harvard Business Review article helped put it into perspective and make me feel like it wasn’t just me feeling it right now.

“We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.”

Naming it does help. And accepting that there is a loss. I feel myself moving through the stage of grief and watching my kids as they do too. There have been moments of pure joy at being able to spend more time together as a family and not having to rush and stick to strict daily routines. There have also been some epic meltdowns at not being able to play with friends, hug Nanna, or go very far away from home.

Finding Meaning in Loss and Social Distancing

What also helps is finding meaning out of all this. My daughter gave me an idea after she and my son spontaneously burst into a rendition of “Some of My Favourite Things” from The Sound of Music (a live show we attended just a few months ago which now seems like a memory from a different time). So here are our lists of things we didn’t know we cared so much about but miss, and things we didn’t notice before we were forced to slow down.

Things I Don’t Miss:

Commuting downtown
Rushing around to different activities
Being mentally exhausted all the time
Missing my kids all day
Feeling like I’m not doing enough
FOMO

Things we took for granted and miss:

Eating in restaurants
Sushi!
Picking out library books
Hugging loved ones
Touching our faces
Playing with friends
Learning in a classroom
Dinner parties
Movie theatres/live theatre/concerts
Rec-center swimming pools
Vacations/travel
Skiing
Ballet class

Things we didn’t notice/have time for before we were forced to stay home:

At-home yoga/exercise is fantastic!
Living room dance parties are so much fun
Cooking/Baking together and experimenting with new recipes
Bike riding every day with no destination or plan
Building forts outside with blankets and chairs
Discovering new trails and secret fairy hideaways in the forest
Talking to neighbours that normally have only noticed in passing
There are so many crafts you can make with empty egg cartons
Dried acrylic paint chunks make beautiful artwork
Sidewalk chalk messages of love and hope
Writing stories together and illustrating them
Our family and our health is the most important thing

This list will keep growing. I’m determined to keep looking on the bright side, while also acknowledging the losses. The balance of both is essential, I believe, to coming through this time not only intact but possibly stronger.

What are your favorite things today? In this together apart.

Read more about Social Distancing with Kids in this post.

The Importance of Wholeheartedness and Belonging at Work

“If we want people to fully show up at the workplace, we need to create a culture where people feel heard, cared for and connected. Psychological safety makes it possible to have tough conversations and trust and respect for each other. The benefits of having a place to belong include increased productivity, creativity, and innovation.” Brené Brown Education and Research Group

There’s no crying in baseball …or the office

Take out the emotion. That’s the common wisdom when it comes to work, and I learned it early on. I was never very good at it, but when I was beginning my career, no alternatives existed.

So, when at work, I focused on work. My persona, with the emotions taken out, interacted with the people I worked with. She was the construct I had created, what I thought, was the acceptable version of me to have a career in business. It worked for a while. I was dubbed an “A-player” by my male bosses and given promotions. I worked tirelessly to achieve more, be more. Be like those I was surrounded by daily.

It was long after the Don Draper era where people denied emotions completely and managed by openly self-medicating with a decanter in every executive’s office. And, it was a decade before any conversation around mental health in the workplace. It was the time of Obama, Osama Bin Laden, a recession caused by greedy bankers, climate change awareness, and the introduction of social media and smartphones. There was so much changing, yet this big thing that no one talked about.

Technology causes connection and disconnection

It was the final crossover period from analog to total digital. I had a laptop and a Blackberry and could work from anywhere. With Facebook, I could keep in touch with friends from all over the world. After my niece was born in London, UK, I could Skype with my sister every day so it felt as though I knew this little person without ever having actually met her. It was amazing. Technology was advancing at breakneck speed and enabling so much connection. And yet, so much disconnection.

Being able to work from anywhere, any time meant never really shutting off. It’s hard to rest when your mind is constantly spinning. Waking up feeling like I was already behind and never getting ahead. Working on my own, in isolation much of the time because I could. Because I was tired and it took too much energy to pretend to be upbeat and happy all the time which was the other version of me I had created.

Something felt off.

Anxiety creeps in

It came on slowly. The tightening in the chest became more pronounced, more noticeable more often. I could no longer just “push through it.” I could no longer deny that only bringing my persona was crippling my innate creativity and fostering my fears of being an imposter.

Humans are hardwired for connection. Like water, food, and air we need to connect with other beings. To do that, to really do that, you can’t be a persona. You have to bring your whole self. I’m not saying you can bring everything that’s going on in your life into work and lay it out on the table. That is self-indulgent and not productive. But it is OK to say sometimes, “I’m not really OK today. But I showed up and I’m doing my best.”

Wholehearted Living

Brene Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living are as follows:

Cultivating Authenticity and Letting Go of What Other People Think
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Letting Go of Perfectionism
Cultivating Your Resilient Spirit, Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
Cultivating Gratitude and Joy, Letting go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith, Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
Cultivating Creativity and Letting Go of Comparison
Cultivating Play and Rest, Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
Cultivating Calm and Stillness and Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed-To
Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance. And Letting Go of Cool and Always in Control

I haven’t mastered this but wholeheartedness is my goal and I’m working toward it.

It may scare the crap out of some people. On the other hand, it may just give them the permission to say it too the next time they feel that way. It may just open up a workplace that is more empathetic which can’t help but create that connectivity we so need to be successful.

Also read: Bring Your Whole Self from my 40-Before-40 Series

Not Really OK

“How are you?” Answering that question with anything other than a cheery platitude is considered a social faux pas. Generally, the question is a formality. People are not really interested in the answer. Especially if the answer is, “I’m not really OK.”

Last fall, Meghan Markle shared in an interview with iTV in the U.K., that she was not really OK when asked about how she is handling the pressure and intense media scrutiny she was always under. She appeared honest and vulnerable. The very real moment with one of the world’s most-watched women captured on camera struck a chord with many. Including me. How many of us are also, sometimes pretending outwardly to be OK behind a fragile facade?

Not being OK makes other people uncomfortable. It forces them to think about their own situation. So most of the time, we just say, “I’m fine. How are you?” What if you are not. OK. What if you don’t even really have the words to properly explain what is feeling a bit off? How does it make it even worse when you deny what you are feeling to help preserve the other person’s level of disconnect with their own emotions?

Most of us have been taught that crying is a weakness so we mask it. Push it down, pretend it’s not there. We focus on accomplishing goals that will supposedly make us happy. Goals are a good thing. They keep us from getting too stuck in one place. But when constant striving fills you with emptiness and leaves your head spinning, it’s time to stop and recalibrate.

Unfortunately, our society praises being busy and rewards those that achieve. Making it hard to be still and recharge. This leaves us feeling breathless and desperately lonely. For those of us who are extroverted introverts, it can lead to anxiety and depression.

“We are hardwired for connection,” cites shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown. The cycle of shame over not being what people want us to be can be overwhelming.

Things are changing though. There is a quiet rumble. You can hear it if you are paying attention.

I think we are seeing something of a revolution in this regard. But, like every revolution, it takes a few brave people to publicly defy the behaviour of the masses. And those that do, will feel the bruises. And in this case, they feel everything else too.

Reportedly, the Duchess and her eight-month-old son, Archie, are back in Saanich, BC where they spent the holidays. It’s a beautiful little spot in the world. Just a short drive and a ferry ride away from where I am. Having spent four years living on Vancouver Island while I went to the University of Victoria, I get the draw. The Pacific Ocean, the old-growth forests, and tree-lined streets make it a peaceful place where one might recharge their soul. And, with so much attention surrounding her movements, it makes sense why she might need to do just that.

No one is following me with a camera and I find myself seeking a place to hide sometimes. My kids are now seven and four. So I’m past the baby phase with my kids, but even still, it can all feel like too much at times.

Having a baby changes you forever. And no one talks about it. Or if they do, it’s glossed over with how wonderful it is. Yes, it is — wonderful. But it is also so hard. You can’t complain because you have what so many people want so badly and struggle to find. It would seem ungrateful when your children are healthy and happy and you seem to have it all. So you stay quiet and force a smile.

I remember going for a walk one night with my husband a few days before the due date of my first child seven years ago. The houses in our new neighbourhood were lit brightly and decorated for Christmas — also only a couple of days away. It was snowing lightly and there were very few cars on the road. It was perfect. I should have been so happy.

He asked me why I was so quiet. For one thing, I got winded easily while walking at that late stage in my pregnancy. More than that though, I was overwhelmed by the impending shift that was about to happen in our lives. I said, “Everything is about to change.” He squeezed my hand and replied, “Yes, for the better.” I nodded. Of course. Having a baby was what both of us wanted. We were ready with the nursery and baby gear. And yet there was so much I wasn’t ready for and never would be.

Things like how to get me and two kids out the door anywhere on time with everything we need for wherever we are going – school, soccer, the grocery store. There is just so much to think about all the time. Generally, we don’t require as much gear with us each time now that they aren’t babies. They can, theoretically, put on their own shoes and coats but you are still going through a mental checklist each time.

I struggle every day with the pressure of feeling like I have to be everything to everyone. I agonize over not being the one to pick my kids up from school each day because I also work full-time. At the same time, at work, I feel like I am not everything I could be because I can’t give the same number of hours as some colleagues at different life stages as me. It’s a constant push and pull. It’s exhausting.

I know it is not sustainable.

So maybe, change start out with small steps. Like answering honestly when asked, if you’re OK. Helping to change the expectation that you should always be OK. If I answer honestly, maybe it will encourage others to do the same.

Read more about this topic Bring Your Whole Self (11)

Finding Light in the Darkness

The electric toothbrush in my mouth stopped mid-whirrr, the lights shut off, and the fan’s buzzing on the other side of the wall in the bedroom was suddenly quiet. My thought process: there’s been an attack. By who? Space aliens or Republicans (I’ve been watching too many episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale) not sure – my mind didn’t have time to get to that point in the confabulation.

I left the bathroom and saw a flashlight in the hall being held by my husband. “Is it more than our house?” I said. Even in the dark I could see him nod vigorously. “Come look.” Even before the drapes had been fully pulled the complete darkness was evident outside. It was eerie. It’s summer, but not hot enough to cause a blackout. It never is here.

“Must have been something with all that construction by the highway.” Of course, that makes sense. My logical partner. The yin to my yang. He brings me back to solid ground. Why does my mind go to the extreme answer? The most dramatic version, the worst possible outcome, the least likely to happen is what I think of first.

My imagination is active and still wild so that is a positive. I suspect, though, that I do it to prevent the proverbial rug from being pulled out from under me. Brene Brown says in Daring Greatly that it also prevents you from feeling joy in the moment. That is the opposite of what is in my personal Charter of Integrity for my life (more on that later). She says in order to stop the narrative, you need to stop and acknowledge that you are having an emotional reaction. A button has been pushed.

This is my go-to but, I’ve recently come to realize, is something that can be changed. It is a habit like smoking (bad) or going to the gym every morning (good). Going to dark places is a habit that can be changed.

“Once you realize that you are going into that spiral, you are no longer part of it,” says thought-leader Jon Kabat-Zinn on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday . “You get to write yourself a restraining order to toxic thoughts.” How? Mr. Kabat-Zinn outline four steps:

1-Recognize a toxic thoughts pattern

2- get to the root of your negative emotions

3- Lean away from the noise the mind is making

4- Accept this moment as if you had chosen it

So, last night, I put a flashlight on my bedside table and instead of freaking out about the total darkness, indulged in it and accepted it as natural blackout blinds. And you know what, I slept solidly until morning when everything was indeed light again.

Rebuilding Your Life After a Setback

My doctor looked at me and sighed. “There is no prescription for this. No shortcuts through the swamp. But you will make it out.” I respected this woman immensely. She was speaking to me after the major relationship breakup I was still reeling from in my mid-twenties. She had been through a divorce a few years earlier so her words were backed by experience, her empathy cloaked in the knowledge of someone who had made it through the swamp.

Sliding Doors Moments

Anyone who grew up in the ’90s may also remember the Gwenyth Paltrow movie Sliding Doors. Anyone? A brief recap: One day Helen is fired from her job and when she goes to catch her train two scenarios happen. The first she gets on the train and comes home to find her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She dumps him, finds a new man, a new career, and makes her life awesome. In the second, she misses the train and arrives home after the woman has left but becomes suspicious of her cad boyfriend and gradually her life becomes more miserable.

Yep, there is a generation of us who refer to these as “sliding doors moments.” The “what if?” can drive you crazy but sometimes when you look back you think, “Man, that was a shite time. But look at what happened because of it. And look at what could have happened if I’d continued to hang on to mediocrity because at least I knew what it was.”

Buck the Slide Into Resignation

The temptation to hang onto a mediocre existence is real. Despite the pull, you may feel toward something else, something more often – too often – gets dulled by the human condition for comfort and control. The problem is that when deep down, or not so deep down, you know there is a more for you and you don’t go after it you become miserable and it can get very difficult to find the motivation to pull yourself out of the rut. Stay too long in the rut and you lose that faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

One of my first jobs was working at a publishing company. I was a young and eager marketing coordinator full of life and possibility. However, I remember very clearly a middle-aged woman who was probably once quite pretty but now wore a hollow, blank expression and her pants a little too short. She never smiled, but she never got angry. She was just there, doing her job in accounts payable and left exactly at 5:00 every day. She had lost the glow to the mediocre and the resigned expression gave away the sadness that hid below. There are so many people like this. Resignation is the antithesis of light.

Let Rock Bottom Provide Direction

Fast-forward to the present. I did survive the ending of a relationship that I had thought was my forever. Not only did I survive, but I also thrived. I rebuilt my life by keeping my focus forward and not getting too far ahead of myself. One foot in front of the other and before I knew it the mess and muck that I had been stuck in was far, far behind me. Not only that, the path I had taken since then would not have happened if it had not been for that time. Had I not hit rock bottom, I may have just kept floating aimlessly in, what turned out to be, the wrong direction.

Still unconvinced? Well then take it from someone who has enjoyed undeniable success after encountering major setbacks: Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life. J.K. Rowling

Also, read this blog post to learn more about how to Survive Disappointment.