The Importance of Wholeheartedness and Belonging at Work

“If we want people to fully show up at the workplace, we need to create a culture where people feel heard, cared for and connected. Psychological safety makes it possible to have tough conversations and trust and respect for each other. The benefits of having a place to belong include increased productivity, creativity, and innovation.” Brené Brown Education and Research Group

There’s no crying in baseball …or the office

Take out the emotion. That’s the common wisdom when it comes to work, and I learned it early on. I was never very good at it, but when I was beginning my career, no alternatives existed.

So, when at work, I focused on work. My persona, with the emotions taken out, interacted with the people I worked with. She was the construct I had created, what I thought, was the acceptable version of me to have a career in business. It worked for a while. I was dubbed an “A-player” by my male bosses and given promotions. I worked tirelessly to achieve more, be more. Be like those I was surrounded by daily.

It was long after the Don Draper era where people denied emotions completely and managed by openly self-medicating with a decanter in every executive’s office. And, it was a decade before any conversation around mental health in the workplace. It was the time of Obama, Osama Bin Laden, a recession caused by greedy bankers, climate change awareness, and the introduction of social media and smartphones. There was so much changing, yet this big thing that no one talked about.

Technology causes connection and disconnection

It was the final crossover period from analog to total digital. I had a laptop and a Blackberry and could work from anywhere. With Facebook, I could keep in touch with friends from all over the world. After my niece was born in London, UK, I could Skype with my sister every day so it felt as though I knew this little person without ever having actually met her. It was amazing. Technology was advancing at breakneck speed and enabling so much connection. And yet, so much disconnection.

Being able to work from anywhere, any time meant never really shutting off. It’s hard to rest when your mind is constantly spinning. Waking up feeling like I was already behind and never getting ahead. Working on my own, in isolation much of the time because I could. Because I was tired and it took too much energy to pretend to be upbeat and happy all the time which was the other version of me I had created.

Something felt off.

Anxiety creeps in

It came on slowly. The tightening in the chest became more pronounced, more noticeable more often. I could no longer just “push through it.” I could no longer deny that only bringing my persona was crippling my innate creativity and fostering my fears of being an imposter.

Humans are hardwired for connection. Like water, food, and air we need to connect with other beings. To do that, to really do that, you can’t be a persona. You have to bring your whole self. I’m not saying you can bring everything that’s going on in your life into work and lay it out on the table. That is self-indulgent and not productive. But it is OK to say sometimes, “I’m not really OK today. But I showed up and I’m doing my best.”

Wholehearted Living

Brene Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living are as follows:

Cultivating Authenticity and Letting Go of What Other People Think
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Letting Go of Perfectionism
Cultivating Your Resilient Spirit, Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
Cultivating Gratitude and Joy, Letting go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith, Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
Cultivating Creativity and Letting Go of Comparison
Cultivating Play and Rest, Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
Cultivating Calm and Stillness and Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed-To
Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance. And Letting Go of Cool and Always in Control

I haven’t mastered this but wholeheartedness is my goal and I’m working toward it.

It may scare the crap out of some people. On the other hand, it may just give them the permission to say it too the next time they feel that way. It may just open up a workplace that is more empathetic which can’t help but create that connectivity we so need to be successful.

Also read: Bring Your Whole Self from my 40-Before-40 Series

When I Grow Up

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

This question. It has been asked by adults of kids for generations. Like a genetic trait that we can’t get rid of. How can kids answer this question and why does it matter? My job now didn’t exist when I was a child. Heck, it didn’t exist when I went to University!

But, kids do answer the question. My daughter says she wants to be mom when she grows up. While it fills my heart, it also fills me with guilt that I haven’t been a good feminist. I remind myself that she is six. Things can change. They sure did for me.

Bringing stories to life has always been my thing. As far back as I can remember, I have been creating imaginary worlds and fictional characters. Before I could write, I acted out stories with my dolls. They went through all the adventures rumbling through my mind. They were gymnasts, explorers, famous singers. They were part of large families and they had conflicts with friends that they worked out.

Later, I wrote plays and directed my friends in elaborate stories. We were nurses, brides, flight attendants, and famous actresses. We had socialite parties and family gatherings. I felt most alive being able to tell the stories of others.

At summer camp, I took part in a skit with my cabinmates as part of the end-of-week talent show and found that I loved performing in front of an audience and making them laugh. I set my new ambition on acting.

While there was no doubt that I was drawn to the world of theatre and writing from a young age, I also had a bit of an entrepreneurial mind.

When I was 10, I came up with a business concept to create a hotel for pets. It would be a multi-story building in which the animals each had their own sleeping room, separate private eating area, and private entrance to the outdoor common swimming pool, grassy field, and doggy beach (apparently, in my mind, this hotel would be in California).

I wanted an alternative to kennels, because I hated the idea of leaving our own dogs in a place that didn’t treat pets with the love and respect I felt they deserved. I drew my plans for what the hotel would look like with colourful Crayolas and told anyone who asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I figured that I could make enough money from being in movies that I could open my pet hotel business and be an actress.

Even then I was convinced by the idea of having it all.

Then, I entered high school. I quickly realized that saying I wanted to be an actress and owner of a pet hotel no longer got me looks of admiration for my pluckiness. Rather, the looks were of concern for the lack of solid ground that I was standing on.

Ever eager to please, I came up with the idea of becoming a lawyer. It made sense to my strong need for justice and understanding of rules. And, it garnered respect from adults who nodded that it was indeed a valid profession to pursue.

But it never quite felt right. I liked the idea of wearing expensive suits and fighting for social justice. I liked the idea of knowing the law, but I didn’t want to practice it as a career.

When I got to university, I was confused and didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was accepted into the Creative Writing program though. I did well, received positive feedback on my writing from instructors and mentors but after three years, I wasn’t sure at the time that I wanted to be a writer full time.

I doubted my ability to be able to garner enough interesting stories. I guess that was when I first encountered imposter syndrome although I didn’t know it had a name at the time. The other people in the program were different from me. Or, I was different from them. I felt that because I didn’t want to live the life of an introvert dismissing the mainstream world, that I wasn’t cut out to be a full-time writer.

Years (we won’t say how many) later, I am not a lawyer, actress. Or pet hotel proprietor. Or a full-time writer. I still am passionate about these same things – telling stories (be it on stage or on-page), knowing the rules and being showing respect to animals.

Thanks to technology, the options for writing have opened up and being able to have a career that includes writing and business strategy are now available. I’ve managed to find a way to write as my job. I was wrong about my perception about writers. It was narrow. But at the time, I hadn’t been exposed to other options. I didn’t realize that I could write but not be a hermit in a cave.

Adults will probably never stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. I hope they stop giving them looks of disapproval or try to persuade them to choose a more practical option. You never know where the world of possibilities will be when they do grow up and exploring different paths will most likely lead them to where they are supposed to be.

Read:What Makes a Grown-Up from my 40 Before 40 series.

When You Should Say No to a Job Offer (even if you need a job)

You got a job offer. Congratulations! This is a major accomplishment and involved many steps and hard work to get to this point. You beat out the competition and are the number one choice for the hiring organization. Amazing! Now, you have to decide if you really want this job or not. Whether you are already employed but looking to make a change, or if you are not currently working and need employment there are reasons for and reasons against accepting a job offer.

It is easier to be rational and make a sound decision if you have a job already; you are able to compare what you have now with what you could have. Would you be better off in the new company or better staying where you are? Usually, you will know pretty quickly. And since you already have a job, many of the emotions are taken out.

However, if you are not currently employed and need a job, it can be way more tempting to say yes to a job that you know is not right. Presumably, you are not independently wealthy and need income which is why you are looking for a job in the first place. So when the job offer comes in, your brain is probably screaming you to accept. After all, it is a boost to your ego and a chance to start back to work earning again. You also need to listen to your gut – the quieter voice of your subconscious that can get drowned out by the louder one in your head.

Think back to that moment when you received the job offer. What did your face do? Did you smile and do a happy dance or frown and furrow your brow? It may sound simple but your immediate reaction is very telling. Reaction responses don’t lie. Here’s how to get a clear signal on how to make potentially one of your life’s biggest decisions:

Do your Due Diligence

I was standing in my kitchen when the email came up notifying me that the company I had been interviewing with were “delighted to offer me the position.” I kept staring at my phone. Now what? Up to this point, I was so focused on winning over said company that I hadn’t evaluated properly whether this was what I really wanted.

I realized that I didn’t have enough information to say yes or no. The interview process had been all for the company interviewing me and left very little opportunity for me to ask questions and get a feel for the company. I had been to the office for one interview once (the previous interviews had all been by phone), and had only met two of the nine team members that I was going to be managing. I knew the basics of the job and understood what they were looking for in a candidate and felt pleased that I fit the bill in their minds, but for a job placement to be successful the fit has to be a two-way street.

There are several things you should do in this scenario. First of all, reply as quickly as possible – remain positive and grateful for the opportunity. You want the decision to remain in your court. Just because you have been given the offer doesn’t mean it can’t be taken away – job offers can be rescinded! Pausing too long before replying will make the employer question your enthusiasm and they may wonder if you are in fact the right person for the job. After all, they want someone who wants them.

When you reply, either by email or telephone, let them know you are delighted and excited as well but would like to schedule a call with the person you are going to be reporting to just to ask a few more questions. Again, keep your tone light and confident. They will most likely agree and think that this is a positive step because you are showing interest and that you are just doing normal due diligence. A good company will see this as a good sign. If they don’t agree and enforce the deadline for acceptance that was on the offer letter, that is a big, shiny red flag!

Make sure you are well prepared for the additional conversation when you have it. Write out your specific questions and know what you are looking for in an answer. You probably have a few but there might be ones that you haven’t thought of. There are many articles on the Internet with questions to ask in job interviews that can help.

Things you need to know are how you will be judged or you and your team’s KPIs. Is this a newly created position or are you replacing someone? If you are replacing someone, why did that person leave? Red flag if you don’t get a clear or believable answer. If it is a new position, why do they suddenly need this role? Don’t be shy to ask about the company’s revenue if it is not publicly traded and available, and what the forecasted revenue is. How do they plan to reach those goals? If it doesn’t sound like a sound plan it could be a warning sign.

Go Online

Have you checked out the Glassdoor reviews? Most companies will have good and bad employee reviews so take the bad with a grain of salt but you can find out a lot this way that no one currently employed will tell you to your face.

The very negative reviews are often from disgruntled ex-employees with an axe to grind. They should be considered but look more carefully at the ones that are thoughtful and well-written that don’t seem to have the intent to destroy, rather a genuine desire to help someone not make the same mistake that they did. These are the PSA type of reviews that can really help you.

Be wary as well if all the reviews are nothing but positive as well. Employers are not legally allowed to request employees to create positive reviews, however I have worked for companies where the hint was dropped strongly that they were looking a Glassdoor reviews and were pleased with current employee positive reviews.

If there is nothing overly alarming in the reviews, then don’t bring it up. However, you should absolutely address any issue that comes up repeatedly or is an absolute deal-breaker for you (see “Knowing your Deal Breakers” below.)

Finally, look at your LinkedIn network and see if you have any connections that are connected to the company. Do you know anyone that works there currently? Reach out to them politely to see if they can give you some insights. They may not want to give you too much information for the sake of their own job security, but by asking the right questions, you can find out some clues to whether this

Get Out of Your Head

Now that you have all the information you need, get all that out of your brain by writing it out. This step is crucial. With so many conflicting thoughts swirling around your head, it is impossible to make a rational decision without visualizing it. This is the time to let your head rule.

Create a comprehensive pros and cons list and rate each item in order of importance. This can be done on a spreadsheet, a pros and cons for job seekers template can help you get started, or just use good old fashioned pen and paper.

Rating each item helps you quantify what is really important to you. Is a foosball table and beer Fridays more important to you than autonomy or if the company provides funds for employees to take job related educational courses? Maybe. This part is subjective and only you can know.

Knowing your Deal Breakers

You have to decide what environment will let you thrive, what you can live with and what will make you go cry secretly in the bathroom every day while you are at the office.These are the deal breakers that you need to pay attention to. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Working style: Do you prefer to work independently or as a team?
Environment: Are you more productive in your own space or do you like the energy of open-concept offices?
Your boss: What kind of leadership style has been the best for you in the past – a boss who provides constant input or leaves you alone most of the time?
Flexibility: Many jobs can be done anywhere that there is an internet connection. Is this one of them or do they require you to be in the office to get your work done.

Make a list of what you cannot live with in a job and stick to your guns.

It can be an agonizing decision to turn down a job that isn’t perfect when you are looking for one. However, if you take a job for short term gain and end up unhappy and looking at the help wanted signs again in a few months you will be worse off. Take a deep breath, have patience, know your worth and don’t settle for less than what you know will be a long-term career growth opportunity. It is out there.